In this piece I try to delve deeper into my own thoughts on the subject of my new sensuality.
This subject is hard for me to talk about because for a long time the idea of my sexuality has been laced with a deep embarrassment for the state of my body. In other words the shame I felt for being fat almost negated me the chance to discuss my sexuality.
We can discuss how fat women are thought of when it comes to sex, there is a myriad of options. From a deep appreciation of the body, to the most rude and despicable manner to shame others. It is quite a hard subject to navigate, especially when you come to find an un-satisfaction from the well-wishers that say “but YOU aren’t fat”. So for a long time it was a topic rarely discussed by me, and when touched upon, quickly ended.
However after 2021, my need to talk about the subject has grown in a way that I must express.
Having a realization about oneself can be extremely gratifying. Last year after a three month long process, I was able to come to the conclusion that my sexual orientation at the moment is best denominated as a lesbian. Coming to that took deep reflection and observation about my own inclinations. A self-recognizing event. In this process I found myself hungry for experience.
It has to be said that before this realization, it’s not as if I hadn’t had a clue about what I liked. For I’ve had wet dreams, fantasies with girls I liked and many crushes. But the constant awareness of the male-gaze and the societal hetero-nature brought me to a halt in terms of my sexuality. Because for me at least, my being a lesbian wasn’t fully evident. To want to be liked or desired trumped my desire itself.
For a time in my early 20’s I meditated on the idea of being asexual. The lack of desire for the guys that seemed appropriate and the repulsion I felt towards those men who did desired me left me perplexed. Add to that confusion, the fact that my attraction to women conflicted me because the first woman to ignite that flame was my best friend at the time. As such my path to sexual illumination was obstructed by bigger issues as internalized homophobia and heteronormativity.
Now after this newfound awareness I can directly tackle the difficult subject of my body and my sensuality.
For there should be a space where one can at the least appreciate the the corporeal. Because as I see it, appreciation of my own vessel, can give me the assurance I’m craving: if I can love what I see, I can feel what I want to project. And maybe then, attract what I desire.
So it is within that in which I express myself visually. This should be seem as a first approximation in my own work to the subject of my body. It is my intent, that through this practice of self-portraits o a self-study of the nude, I can reach self-ownership and a newfound ability to seduce. Because finding sensuality in the body you currently have is necessary to find healthy sexual gratification.
Carolina Felix is a photographer in her mid twenties. She currently lives in Mexico City and recently graduated from the National Autonomous University of Mexico (UNAM). She is best described as a curious person who loves dogs and nature.