Valentines Special #1. LOVE, by Emely Berkes.



Love is the most intense, beautiful and risky feeling we as human beings could ever experience. Love is ruling the world. It creates people, it destroys people. Love always begins with a belly full of purple butterfly’s. At first, there’s a little swarm flying around in the middle of your belly, softly tickling you from the inside. With every minute you spend with each other the little swarm is growing - butterfly by butterfly - until at some point they fill your whole torso, both of your legs, yours arms, your chest, your throat - until you you can’t breathe anymore. But you’d rather suffocate than letting go of this feeling. When I loved for the first time those little butterflies completely took over my body. He was tall, tanned and the tips of his wild curls where bleached by the sun. It looked ridiculous, like he would have coloured them. The first thing I fell in love with were his hands. Those big hands that made the big boobs I have since I’m 12, the boobs I always hated because I considered them as too big, all of a sudden seemed small when he enclosed them with his long fingers. On our first date we went for a walk and listening to him was the hardest thing because my mind drifted away into daydreams every minute. “Kiss me finally” was the thought that sat down on the couch called my mind and didn’t want to leave until he finally did. When I saw him the second time it was warm - I wore my favourite dress. The doors stood open and when I walked in carefully shouting : “Hello helloooo” , he turned around. I will never forget this picture of this beautiful tall man with those extraordinarily long lashes standing there wearing a jeans and a shirt, no shoes and and a smile.

When I was close enough - in my memory I walked extremely slow because I  wanted to watch him as long as possible- he entwined my face with his left and my buttcheek with his right hand. My body’s reaction was probably one of the most intense I’ve ever experienced. The butterflies went crazy and started to spread through my whole body just to then all make their ways into my vagina. The following month we saw each other a couple of times a week and those dates were everything I lived for at that time. Seeing his name on my phone could change my mood within seconds. It was one of the hottest summers ever - as soon as we left the shower we started sweating again - but that didn’t stop us from spending day after day after day after day having sex, kissing and touching every Millimeter of our body’s. Maybe the sweat dripping down our skin even encouraged us, maybe we didn’t need encouragement. This is how love begins and then it just goes like this for month - fucking, soft sex, whispered conversations, way too less sleep, laughing, analysing and getting lost in each other’s eyes until you reached the point where you feel like your whole heart is exploding when you look at this one special person. Simply watching him talking to people, cooking or reading a book became my favourite thing in the world. His curls between my fingers my favourite feeling.

And then, slowly, this intense feeling starts to disappear and under those hundreds of layers of warm feelings your cold personality with all it’s rough edges  makes it’s  way to the surface. You start to get back into your own body, to deal with the so well known shit. Loud arguments replace gentle kissing. You fight, you scream, your leave  and after all this you find yourself sitting in your car, the sky is crying and so are you. You get back together, you talk, you analyse and apologise and for a few days you feel like this fight just strengthened your relationship even more. Then the next argument, the next cry - you don’t soak in your partners smell as you did before. You even try to avoid inhaling. You don’t feel like having sex anymore and it becomes more and more of an issue- do I love my partner even tho I don’t want to sleep with him every day? You start fantasising about sex with other people, you don’t look away anymore when someone is staring at you in a bar. Now you’re convinced that you just don’t love your partner anymore - why else would you want to share your body with someone else than him? You leave. You go to another city, move into a new apartment, meet new people, discover new things and one day someone tells you that love is so much more than sex. That sexual attraction in a relationship is fluent like a river. It comes, it goes, it reaches its maximum and leaves again. You start to understand that wanting to get physical with others does not mean that you don’t  love your partner and you start to wonder that if  you would have known that before - maybe you wouldn’t have left. Maybe you’d still be together.


Everything has the opportunity to be good if you choose it to be.

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