Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof. It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.
This last year I have fallen under such definitions.
It has been the most Asexual year of my life so far and I am really relieved about it.
Even when I was much younger (BS: Before Sex) I was hugely sexual, finding my pillow to rub up against or sneaking into my long gone, father's room to flick through his cache of vintage playboys. I remember tentatively waiting for my sixteenth birthday (I thought at this age, the rules were the rules) and when it came round, my body buzzed the whole day with anticipation of coital, bed romance. I guess at this age everyone has an obsession with the unknown or ‘the adult sector’ that we wanted to clamber into. Being part of the sex conversation was the best it could get. This buzz also lasted for a while and was inflated by hormones and energetic bewilderment. It was ‘oh him’ and ‘oh her’ and ‘oh everyone’, at one stage, but as the adolescent pimples began to fade, so did the libido.
The libido was now fuelled by love. Falling in love was why I had sex and the act of lovemaking made me feel almost uncomfortable and unsatisfied when one used the lingua franca of ‘sex’ to compare it to. ‘Sex’ seemed too harsh and cold, when warm treacle love was bouncing around my veins, through my lips, and down to my vulva. When you are ferociously in love, which I always am, love turns you into an electric fence where the song ‘She’s electric’ makes a lot of sense and often you feel your hair begin to stand because you are SO turned on. Even a falling blossom gets you going as it radiates in the field of voltage. Today, though, I am not in love, and I feel nothing.
For about a year now I have only had a few sexual encounters and I am sure this is similar to the wider population of people hit by the pandemic and its limitations. However, it has made me begin to question a lot, especially when I am slapped in the face, every day by sex, as I work in the industry. I have often queried that it may be just that, I focus too much attention on selling sex and divulging 'Sexpression' that I now can’t shit where I eat (in the most unsexy of terms). Or it is the fact I am not in love with anyone at the moment and that's what it takes to reassemble my libido. Or is it the fact the last relationship actually mangled my insides and physically, I am unable to be turned on anymore. Or is it that I am extremely observational at the moment. Or is it because I have found a new love, myself. I no longer search for sex, nor do I think about it for myself because I am so involved in my development and one thing at a time. All I know is that I really would like my libido back, but for now my dance turns me on, and thats it.
Sexuality has many results and causes though and ‘sex’ is not the mission or the aim, it is often the result. I think for too long I think of sex as the be-all and end-all. However, now when my libido is absent I have questioned what I have left of my sexuality and that's when I have realized there is something that shines as bright, sexiness. To be sexy and to have a sex appeal doesn’t mean you have to have sex or be in any way sexually active. When one thing dips and stops double-dipping, another thing takes center stage. I think this experience of being libido-free has allowed me to honor all my sexy ways and use them for only my dances and the dances with my friends. God damn I love my arse. Result!
Asexuality is an absent desire for sexual activity, among other definitions. So I have been dipping in and out of realizing this is what I am at the moment. As a person who runs a ‘Sexpression website', I feel almost responsible to experience it also, but for right now I wanted to let you know that this is what I am experiencing and feeling right now. If I am not open as the founder then to heck with the whole thing!
Right now I am happy to exist as just having the sexy part of sexuality not the sexy without the y. I am attracted to myself and not others sexually. Its 'Me- Sexual'
If anyone has been going through the same thing, feel free to submit or just message to be part of the sexy generation!