I had two thought processes that should have made me stop immediately. The first was “I probably should do this, I want to be a cool girlfriend” which is so frustrating for obvious reasons but even more so when I really didn't like him that much. The second was the clearest message just as it was about to happen and it was an incredibly loud “No”. I was the one who initiated it, he didn't even seem that keen either but I didn’t pay much attention because I’d been taught that’s what boys wanted so I didn’t think to question which is horrific, he just kind of shrugged “yeah, alright”. It is so sad to think of these two children pushing themselves into something they didn’t want to do because they felt they should, we weren’t even pressuring each other it was all external or imagined pressure. It only lasted about 20 seconds, I lay there super tense and stared and the ceiling and waited until I got the courage to say it hurt. When I did say it hurt he made an acknowledging grunt turned to me for a second and carried on before being like “I’ve lost it anyway.” So. Sad. It was just the worst. I felt like I had betrayed myself and also done a terrible job while doing so. The next night I remember lying on the floor in my living room surrounded by my family and being surprised life was carrying on like normal and that I was the same person. I genuinely thought that it would fundamentally change me and how I was treated. I kept waiting to feel upset but I didn’t, until I read a leaflet that said that virginity doesn’t matter but it is a nice thing to be able to do with someone you really love. I had a cry then because I thought I would miss out on a truly romantic experience, I would never be able to be like “I have been waiting for the right person and that person is you” and they would be like “Yes I have also done that yay!” and it would be ground breaking and amazing. I’m so glad I learnt that sex by itself is amazing as it is without the framework of virginity. I would like very much for the word to just drop out of our lexicon - there really is no need for it. Six years of having sex later I found myself at a place where I knew exactly what I wanted, liked myself a millions time more and found a really amazing lover and brilliant person. Having sex with them felt like I was having sex for the first time. I finally after six years of being drawn to sex but never really enjoying it, I finally truly understood the point. I made all the noises I felt like making and did all the things I felt like doing instead of doing things to appear sexy. My partner made me feel so comfortable and I fancied him so much. I wish so much I could show 14 year old me this moment and be like “hey look, nothing is ruined at all, you just misunderstood the point!” It would have saved me a lot of time if I understood that.